Avoid...everything

I have a bad habit of overanalyzing.

I blame it on being the eldest daughter and my lovely anxiety. One of my favorite past times is to dissect every situation that I’ve ever been in, my friends and their problems, and my dynamic with my family. But I think what takes the cake is breaking down every single behavioral aspect and thinking pattern of myself. I’m not saying this habit of mine is healthy or helpful in any way, but I can’t stop myself from doing it.

I find it to be a side effect of my curious nature.

But anyways, the new topic that has caught my attention is avoidance.For a while, I was fixated on what being secure meant, but I’ve determined that “security” doesn’t really exist to the fullest extent. I have yet to meet a person who is fully secure in themselves, which I guess is another way of striving for perfection.

I digress.

Back to avoidance. Technology has become the ultimate tool when it comes to avoidance. No one wants to confront anyone these days. Every hard conversation, every dramatic moment, and any time someone tries to express complicated feelings, is done via text or phone call. Rarely is it ever face to face. And if you don’t want to engage in these moments? Ghost. Don’t reply. Leave the other person hanging when they attempt to open up. It’s utterly sad.

I consider myself anxiously attached to my relationships with friends, family, romantic partners. But, I wonder if my anxiety is simply a front towards an underlying avoidance.

I avoid being honest about what I want, if someone has hurt my feelings, or if I am showing up and pouring more into the relationship than the other person. I avoid the conflict and the tension because I hate the discomfort. And I don’t think anyone can handle discomfort these days. We avoid pain. We can’t stand being rejected. We always want to be having a good time all of the time. Oh, I also can’t forget that nothing is ever that deep.

But at what point is ignoring conflict and being nonchalant causing a loss of connection and growth? I’m constantly on edge that my friendships might disappear one day simply because my friend thought it was too much effort, or there was a conflict I didn’t want to confront. No one wants to be honest, and no one is worth being honest to anymore.

Life is made up of unique experiences. Obviously. But life is also made up of beautiful and rare connections. Deep friendships and often lifetime relationships. And I always thought that being respectful and caring about another person was the core of every human connection. But it seems as though the art of connection has been lost, with avoidance and convenience taken place.

Or maybe I’m just overanalyzing friendships. And it really isn’t that deep.