Wants and Needs
How are you feeling? What do you need from me? Why were so quick to rush out of the door? Did I say something wrong? Does he like me? Do my friends like me? What will make them feel comfortable? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh……. writing all of those questions out gives me anxiety. Not once, ever, in my life, have I approached a situation and put myself first.
When I was growing up, it was always what my parents needed in that moment: Reasoning? Logic? A parent for my siblings? Emotional regulation? A mediator when they fought? Whatever it was - I was there. I handled it. And I was what? Probably 10? 12? when emotional responsibility of others was neatly piled on me.
It’s funny, they always tell me they never have to worry about me because I’m so incredibly responsible and logical and reasonable. And I am, for other people.
I’ve never once considered or paused or reflected in a moment and thought…wait… but is this what I want? It never crossed my mind when I built friendships in high school or decided where to go to college or what sport to play or who I wanted to date. It was always, and I mean always, what do they think?
What do they think about me? Do they like me? Am I making them uncomfortable? Do they value me?
It’s so exhausting to put your emotions in the hands of someone who doesn't even care that they’re holding such a delicate thing.
Because of my carefree approach to my own emotions and boundaries, I’ve been disappointed, let down, taken advantage of, and left broken time and time again. I drown myself in blame and create this false sense of hope that if I just didn’t care so much, or acted differently, or was more secure, or less dramatic, or more direct, or less ME they wouldn’t have pulled away.
I’m so sick of doing that. I’m tired of caring about other people before caring about myself. I hate performing for the comfort of others. What about me?! What about Anna?! Don’t you want to know what I think? Or how I feel towards you?
Enough about others people’s wants and needs. It’s about time I advocate for myself. This is what I WANT from dating. I don’t need to take on the emotional burdens of my parents. My siblings don’t need me to parent them. I am my own person who is allowed to have my own values and my own desires and my own boundaries.
Writing all of that scares me shitless. I’d rather make sure you’re comfortable and light myself on fire than advocating and standing up for myself.
I’m easy going. You don’t have to worry about me!
But for my own sanity, I have to advocate. If not for my 23 year old self, then for the 13 year old teenage girl who was battered and bruised for simply wanting to be seen. And loved. And respected.
How do I even begin when all of my needs have molded around others?
I guess I have to look from within. Discover what I want in life. And sit with myself.
My wants and needs. My own desires. My voice.